Friendship lost

Just the other day, I believe a friend lost a friend.

I had written elsewhere about how to me friendship is the greatest relationship in the whole world. I still believe so. However, sometimes I wonder if my take on friendship is very different from that of the others. I had talked about how to me this is one relationship that is not governed by any social constraints or obligations. Now, I wonder if that is true. With a friend, I believe, you are in such a comfort zone that there is no pressure on you to maintain the relationship, and hence no apologies whatsoever. But increasingly with someone I thought was a real friend I realized I was being on the defensive again and again.

She buzzed me one morning on the messenger when I was in the middle of a meeting. I responded, telling her that I was busy and asked if I could talk to her later. She said yes. And I thought that was the end of it. Apparently not. She was hurt and thought that I was "unusually blunt" with her. I realized this much later, during the course of a conversation. Ok, my take on the whole thing is this: I just assumed that in our relationship I could take such a liberty with her and that she would understand. Obviously, she didn't.

More recently something else happened which makes me wonder if something has died in the relationship. I have known this person for almost 10 years now, and to us physical distance has never been a cause for concern. Our friendship has grown over the years despite the fact that we were together in the same place for a very short time. I always thought that if there was someone I would turn to (and people who know me will vouch for the fact that this very rarely happens) in times of need, she is easily one of them. And I know I have stood by her through various upheavals in life over the years, including flying down to meet her when I felt that she was down in the dumps. Yet, suddenly, she is questioning my commitment to her as a friend, and I am having to question the whole relationship. And I can't help but wonder why.

Or maybe I am in the wrong - what I view as a comfort zone obviously isn't one for everybody. To her it seems as though I am taking her for granted. Yes, that is what it seems like - depite the fact that over the years there have been moments when I dropped everything I was doing and rushed to her side only because she needed me. So, I wonder - how do relationships work? I agree one shouldn't take anyone for granted in one's life; but per chance something like that happens, wouldn't a friend understand? So, does that mean there is just no comfort level one can share with anybody in the world, wherein you don't really have to pretend and play a role - call because you are expected to or be polite because that is "the way" to be.

I know we will call one another again and probably chat up with one another as well. Yet, somehow, I am not so sure things will be the same any more. And that is because I think I have been pushed out of my comfort zone with her. And in a way, I believe, she has lost a friend.

I feel sad.

ASIDE: I am again going away on vacation this evening - to Masinagudi - and I am so looking forward to it. It has been a hectic start to the new year, and I so need this break. To regular and not-so-regular readers of this blog - Happy Sankranti.