Digressions...

Warning: Personal post; disjointed thoughts at 2 am in the night...

There are a few things I can never understand - the expectations people seem to have out of one. Is one being selfish if one does not meet other's expectations? Does one have to turn one's life upside down so that someone else is happy while one isn't, even when in the process logically nobody is hurt? Why is it such a big deal if one wants to be just oneself, irrespective of what is going around one?

There were times when people who cared understood this, appreciated this; probably even loved one for this very aspect. But suddenly it is all about being self-centered and meeting others' expectations? And then people get upset, angry - sometimes I wonder, do they even consider what one might be going through?

Once in a while, people tell you, why don't you just give in. Once in a while one does; but that once_in_a_while is never too apparent for others. To them, one is always being stubborn, recalcitrant. And this "once in a while" is seldom remembered. Rilke had written, "People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of easy, but it is clear that we must hold to that which is difficult..." To be honest, sometimes holding on to that which is difficult is not at all easy.

Solitude doesn't scare me; in fact, I yearn for it and enjoy it a lot. To me there is a certain tranquility in being alone. What scares me is how lonely I feel when I am with a crowd; not strangers but friends, family, people I have known all my life. And these days more often than not, that is how I feel.