Random thoughts

Warning: Random, very personal, ramblings ahead...

I am extremely uncomfortable with adulation of any kind – in fact, affection and adoration I cannot fathom makes me edgy. Feelings, they say, are absolutely inexplicable – but to me this is the worst of all. You can say why you like a person and why you dislike another – but can you ever really put into words why you adulate someone? And that is what I have a problem with – a state of mind that cannot be logically explained. As far as I can see such a bubble always bursts. And to the person who is actually the centre of such attention it can get really embarrassing.

In the last couple of days, things have been getting there for me – a few things happening around me, a few words/statements made here and there. All of this has just made me want to run away. Yes, of course, it is very flattering, but somehow I would rather be far from it. I remember having to deal with such unwanted adoration from two people in recent times. One, from someone who seemed to have a huge crush on me, who thought I was just perfect – I had to step into my old “aged” shoes and talk to him. That seemed to have helped; I know he thinks highly of me even today, but I also know that he has a firmer and more realistic head on his shoulders now. The second one was about a year back – somehow it got extremely awkward for me for I could see the high regard she had for me in her face. When I am caught in a situation such as this, I have realized that I tend to get extremely rude, standoffish and curt. I didn’t want to do this with her for I knew she was an extremely sensitive girl, hence I started to distance myself away from her. I am not sure if it helped really. In fact, I am not even sure if this is the right thing to do – what can one actually do when caught in a situation such as this? I can do with some answers right now, to be honest.

Yet more happenings at work, with the group one hangs out with occasionally. A friend and I had been planning on doing a weekend trek trip for a while. I can easily travel with an absolute group of strangers, as I did on my Mukurthi trek (pics here) last year. Travelling with a group of friends can also be great fun, but I have apprehensions about travelling with acquaintances. When we started planning this trip, it wasn’t supposed to include all. When did it really snowball into something I didn’t want, I am not sure. Soon, it seemed out of our hands, and the entire group got involved. This friend and I talked about it, talked about how we weren’t enthused by the idea any more. Did I want to go with all of them? Definitely not. Neither did he, he said. We talked about calling it quits. I wasn’t so sure initially. I was driven by wanting to do the “right” thing; what was it one didn’t know of course. However, the more we talked about it one evening, the more it seemed we should drop out. And so I did – the very next morning I sent a mail to the group that I wouldn’t be able to make it to the trip.

To me, at one level, the whole thing was rather simple – this friend and I had made plans for this trip, and we were in it together or we weren’t. That wasn’t apparently how it was going to be. Later in the day, for reasons I failed to totally comprehend, this friend did a complete volte face. He was going, he said, irrespective of whether or not I was. I asked him the reasons for such a change of heart – anything/anyone in particular? No particular reason, he said. He always made such firm decisions, arbitrarily. I knew that wasn’t really true.

Even if I didn't quite understand, it wasn't his decision to go that bothered me. What troubled me immediately was the fact that to a large extent my decision not to go was influenced by him. Now, suddenly, here he was saying he didn’t really care whether I went or not. I had stuck to my side of the bargain, I felt. Why did it seem now that I was being made a scapegoat? Was I upset? Was I angry? Not quite. I felt more cheated and betrayed by the whole exercise. I felt whatever the reasons for his change of heart, I should have been taken into confidence. Weren’t we supposed to be in it together?

Well, I have since decided to make the trip, for a number of reasons. I have major apprehensions about the whole thing today, a lot more than what I had before this minor fracas happened. More importantly, my heart just isn’t in it anymore. I just seem to be going through the motions now. Travel, to me, is always good; but I can only hope it doesn’t turn out to be terribly disappointing for all.