Empty choices...

Warning: This is a very personal post and contains some rather disjointed thoughts.

Been around, been away. I know it has been a long time. I have been rather tardy in getting online and posting something here. Or maybe there just wasn’t enough inclination; or probably the need. I know I sound rather garbled right now. But that is how I have felt since morning. And that is probably why I am back here as well - at this hour of the night.

I have been in an introspective mood today - was thinking about situations that seem "perfect" but not necessarily "right". I have, for a long time now, been bothered by the term "right" - I have never been sure how one determines what is "right" and what is "wrong". Is there truly a universal law that drives these beliefs such that when one says something is "right" it is exactly what some other person means? Or are these notions actuated by one's very personal situation?

Isn't that the case with choices one makes in one's life as well? The word "choice" implies a rather personal act of choosing between various alternatives. And one wonders if that is always the case. Aren't our decisions determined by people, circumstances and situations that are actually beyond us? There are moments when we choose something because that is expected of us; sometimes the choice is influenced by those around you and sometimes it is just a response/reaction to a decision made years before, one that has resulted in circumstances from which one cannot really emerge. And there are times when a decision is determined by what is "right" and what is "wrong". If one is ever given a chance to re-script one's life again, would one still make the decisions one has made?

Does one make a choice because that is what one wants to do; or is it because that is what one should do? Or as someone said to me this morning, do we take some action or make a decision because it was the "right" thing to do. If one's actions and choices are dictated by others' definition of these terms, does one really have a choice?

Someone mentioned today that there are feelings/emotions that are rather natural, just like hunger and sleep. I wondered about that for a long time. I am not quite so sure that is true; I would think it depends and varies from person to person. Some of our emotions/feelings are determined by the people/person we interact with. And those, however natural they may seem at the moment, aren't what you feel "naturally" with someone else. I should know.

I feel rather empty inside right now. And I am not sure that space will ever be filled. Or those feelings will ever be experienced again.