I used to be a voracious reader - you would always find me with a book. While I was growing up I didn't have too many friends; and I wasn't the socialising kinds either. So, books indeed were my best friends. Doing the tag on books brought back some memories;. Most of the books I said I read in that tag were from those years. In recent years, I don't think I have actually done a lot of reading. I realized that somewhere along the way the intimate relationship between books and me seems to have been lost and replaced by vast distance. I am not really sure when this started to happen, but I would say it started with me getting into the IT world.
Even as a journalist, I spent a lot of time with books. My work demanded it as well, in a way. And then I moved into the big, bad IT world. Initially, the pressure of trying to cope with a new system and a new way of life took its toll on me. The first four-five years I just worked - I had a point to prove to myself and others. I had also just got married; I got busy trying to make things work on personal as well as professional front. And it is around this time that I put that distance between books/music and me; a distance that has grown by leaps and bounds over all these years. It is not as though I don't read at all anymore or that I don't listen to music any more. I do. But it isn't the way it used to be before - when oblivious to the world around me I would lock myself in my small room with a book and my kind of music playing in the background. My_kind_of_music? I am not even sure what it is any more. Books and music continue to be my best friends even today. And, like all good friends, they wait for me to come to them. I have just lost the ability to connect.
Ten years later I do not know how successful I have been in my attempts to accomplish something - personally as well as professionally. But today sometimes when I look into the mirror I see a stranger; an almost-alien. Somewhere along the way while pecking away at the keyboard ensconced in a 4 * 4 cubicle I think I also lost sense of who I am. Sometimes I wonder if I am just going through the motions of living, living a life without me.
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3 comments:
I kinda know what you are talking about !!!
hope this post helps get closer to yourself again !!!
God bless :) Good luck...
I know exactly what you are talking about. Just that I haven't lost touch with books at all, but have lost touch with music. I have no idea what "my kind of music" is now.
As for your "living a life without me", I felt that way a couple of years ago. I looked back at "me" of ten years ago and realized that "me" was not there any longer, and I felt a terrible sense of loneliness, frustration. But now I realize that that was "me" of then, this is "me" of now... and nobody can really take away the "me"ness from me. Just have to get used to the new me. As long as it is not a "me" you detest, in which case you have a problem. I have no idea if I am expressing myself well.
Btw, you mentioned in one of your prev blogs that you don't have too many blog friends or readers.... but though you haven't blogged often for a while, I haven't let go of your blog from my bloglines subscription (I let go of many, many of them), simply because I like your style of writing, and held on, hoping you will be back.
And, increasingly, I sense a note of despair in your blogs. I hope all is well with you, and if things are difficult, here's to strength to power you through it all.
[unmana] This was an attempt at that - rebuilding the relationship. With me too "life happened" and I lost it all. I am sure I will get back there.
[Om] Thanks.... I hope so too.
[shruthi] Good to see you again; and thanks for not letting go of me. I understand what you mean - about the "me" then and the "me" now, how we tend to grow up to be different people. To me this was more about getting in touch with that person inside of me again. I no longer do, I feel - I get up go to work, come back, eat, sleep. That is what life has become and I don't like it at all.
Despair? I am sorry you felt that way. I am doing fine. Just tend to get introspective at times. Of course, like every body else have my "down" moments too. Thanks a lot for your concern. I so appreciate it.
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