Midnight Musings

Warning: Totally random thoughts put down in the middle of the night; disoriented, disjointed - a real storm in my head. Yes, finally, Der Sturm in meinem Kopf. Proceed at your own risk.

I seem to have managed to upset/piss off/hurt an assortment of people over the weekend. Sometimes keeping track of others' feelings all the time does get on one's nerves. People get upset because you don't do what is expected of you. There are moments you couldn't care less; all you want to do is take care of yourself. You expect them to understand. Is it too much to ask?

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I am tired, sleep deprived and exhausted. I don't know what will help any more. I feel I have done whatever it takes; but sometimes that alone isn't enough, is it?

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I smile, I laugh, I put on a facade - because the world expects this of me. "Even if you don't talk much, you are always cheerful", R said the other day. Yes, I have been - even when I was hurting deep inside, I have tried not to show it. Now, when all I want is a few days to myself, a few hours when I don't have to talk to people who expect me to smile and pay attention all the time, why is it such a big deal? Life sucks, man; even mine does, sometimes.

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Sometimes I like to be told that it's okay to feel bad; to wallow in a bit of self-pity. That I don't have to be strong all the time; that even this is simply acceptable.

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I was a hockey player at school. During one of the practice games, I remember one of the other players hit my ankle real hard with her hockey stick. It hurt like hell. The leg swelled - almost as though I had elephantaisis. I limped my way back home, hoping to seek solace in my mom's lap. That was not to be. My mom was kind of different - she would reprimand you for making a big scene about a "small" pain. As she administered her home made remedy (rock salt heated and wrapped in a cloth) on my leg, she said something I have not forgotten after all these years - "When you are hurting - physically or emotionally - think of the moments that hurt you even more, caused you immense pain. What you are going through today will feel totally trivial then."

All the pain I feel today must truly be the worst then. For, all the memories of the past do not mitigate it in any way.

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Eureka_moment_of_the_night: Even with a 3-second memory, the gold fish does remember.

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You say I could reach out to you. There was a time when I did need you and you were totally like I_don't_really_care. When I told you about this, you said : "I have other things to do as well". Sure, you do. You sure do.

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You feel like total shit. When you realize that a close friend, because she/he couldn't say no, because she/he didn't have the courage to be honest with you, has only been tolerating you and not necessarily enjoying your company. And then she/he throw it at your face, all at once like a simmering volcano that erupts and spurts out lava: that on several occasions you were actually overbearing and supercilious. They hold a mirror up to you and you see an image you don't recognize.

Over the next few days you move around wondering about everything that was between you two and questioning everything. The fact of the matter is you are not yourself and you really aren't sure of anything anymore. So, you avoid people; give silly excuses. You know you have your reasons; you don't really care if they don't understand anymore. You see what you want to see and believe that is the truth.

But then you wake up suddenly (yes, even when you are sleep deprived). You stop, look at yourself and ask questions again - are you being fair to yourself and others involved? Are you being true to yourself? Is running away truly the answer? You don't know; but life goes on. And so do you.

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Sometimes I just need to be hugged. And heard.

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I so wanted to reach out to you today. I felt lonely, totally. But I was scared. Would I be impinging on your space if I did?

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This too shall pass!