It doesn't really pay to look back and have any kind of regrets in life - I really believe this. And in everything I have done in my life, while I do try to look back and introspect, I have never done so in anger or remorse. Sometimes, the flashbacks span over a couple of years, sometimes over a couple of minutes. And today such a flashback made me realize what a scumbag I was - even if it was for just that moment. It might sound clichéd, but on days such as these you realize the truth in such hackneyed phrases - that words have the power to hurt someone a lot more than actions do. Today, I did just that - was mean to someone, someone I really cared about. As soon as the words were out, I realized I was being hurtful. But the words were out there, and there was little I could do about it. At that moment, I hated myself. I did not intend to be spiteful, it was supposed to be all in jest - but now I realize it still wasn't justified. Why do we say things we don't mean, things that don't really matter to us, and hurt people? Why don't we pause, think, reflect before mouthing those words? And why do we do this especially to people who really matter? Sure, I felt miserable, and I went around and said I was sorry; he said it didn't matter, that he wasn't really hurt, that he felt it as much as a rhino would feel a mosquito on its body, but in my heart I knew it wasn't as simple as that. Even much later in the night, it hurt terribly, and I couldn't sleep. I know I was being naïve, but still...
He is probably going to put this behind him, also maybe forget all about it and forgive me, and be the way he has always been with me - nice, friendly, warm and concerned when it mattered. I am sure in a day or two I will put this behind me as well, forget all about it, and move on. But I also know this - that everytime I look at him, I am going to be reminded of that moment when for no reason whatsoever I was really mean to him.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I know EXACTLY what you mean. Have you seen "You've got mail"? A small conversation in the chatroom between Kathleen (Meg Ryan) and Joe (Tom Hanks) is one of my favorite scenes in the movie and the conversation goes like this (I actually dug up its script :)
JOE: Do you ever feel you become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's Box of all the secret hateful parts -- your arrogance, your spite, your condescension -- has sprung open. Someone provokes you, and instead of just smiling and moving on, you zing them. Hello, it's Mr. Nasty.
KATHLEEN: I know what you mean and I'm completely jealous. What happens to me when I'm provoked is that I get tongue-tied. My mind goes blank. Then I spend all night tossing and turning trying to think of what I should have said.
JOE: Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass all my zingers to you and then I would never behave badly and you could behave badly all the time and we'd both be happy? On the other hand, I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows.
So there. I hope you are okay about it by now. I am sorry to hijack your comment space like that.
[truman] That was so very apt. Thanks for sharing. And yes, I feel much better now - more because of this other person himself. And don't worry, you didn't hijack my comment space. It is good to see you here again.
Post a Comment